Post by Swindle on Aug 17, 2022 4:00:16 GMT -8
Pigskin Commandos
This is more in keeping with what I had in mind with GIJoe DIC, very childish and dumb. United We Stand, behavior modification gas, Victory at Volcania with the space laser, those at least vaguely fit the old format of Sunbow GIJoe. This is like no episode of GIJoe I've seen.
So, Sarge is in New York hanging out with his sister. Ok, why? Two, why does she look like something from a 16 bit beat em up video game? Why does Sarge have a sister, why does she not speak? Well, its all an excuse for him to be on hand to hear Cobra sitting up an underground base in subway tunnels.
The base fixing up is embarrassing. In The Viper is Coming, the Twins lament the amount of money and man power it takes to construct a Cobra R&R base when accused of being the Viper. Here three goof balls look like they are making a underground club house. Of course, this is all about them talking about whom they were before being in Cobra. SAW Viper was in construction, but rather destroy stuff. Metal Head worked at a zoo. Range Viper was Captain Grid-Iron opposing college rivel, playing for Piranha State Football team. So, Sarge being a football fan knows Westpoint beat the heck out of Range Viper's team. Range Viper uses the snake decorator to capture Slaughter.
Ok, this is where things take a turn for the preposterous. Range Viper insulted by Sgt. Slaughter's trash talk, Cobra Commander decides to challenge GIjoe to a football game. So, if Cobra wins, they get GridIron who will have to be Range Viper's slave forever. Ok, why not arrest Cobra Commander when he shows up, in every show down we have seen, US Joe forces are overwhelmingly superior to Cobra? Maybe Cobra Commander has some kind of diplomatic immunity? Hmmm, or maybe this is an episode meant for a very young child. Cobra Commander could do comedy and be a coward in Sunbow, but he was also shown to be very dangerous and his schemes could cause real damage to society. This has major Police Academy vibes.
So, Joes are naturally winning because they are good and talented and Cobra is sad and untalented, so Cobra starts using vehicles to get ahead, Joes call in their vehicles and we are back to Joes being better because their vehicles rock and Cobra's vehicles are sad and poorly made. In Sunbow, they at least showed how different vehicles could cause real damage in battle situations. This is just a phrase.
Also mention the generic return screen is just sad, sing along "A real American hero..." that sounds so cringe.
Range Viper splits with Sarge and the chase is on. We see the mini-vehicles in action such as it is. Not the same kind of dread the pod of the Night Raven could be used for in Sunbow. They end up on foot and steal a taxi. I feel like we're in some kind of generic "lego world" city where things look so stock.
Lady Jaye was out and about was gonna get her hair done, "Need a lift, hot shot." She's a breath of fresh air showing up on the back end of the episode, ever her flirtatious self. Closest thing to an actual character from GIJoe. At least that's a character trait. I still couldn't tell you a damn thing about, say, Pathfinder or Bullhorn. Grid-Iron is just football puns.
Lady Jaye destroys a Dominator with her javelin. You can buy her taking down gliders or CLAWs, but a Dominator, embarrassing. Cobra Vehicles in DIC are not to be feared or valued.
So, GridIron gets ahold of Sarge, swaps over horse and buggy, and is about to get Sarge out of the binding, Range Viper ain't giving up that easily. Swoops in and has Sarge with Grid-Iron hanging on. "And now finally, both of you are going to be Cobra's prisoners for.the.rest.of.your.miserable.lives.!!!!!" Uh oh, this is the final commercial, I'm telling you, I am shaking for the well being of Grid-Iron and Sarge. Man. I don't know if they are going to make it.
"Victory is mine. Grid-Iron will be my slave for the rest of his life." There's some homoerotic subtext to wanting Grid-Iron to be his slave. Destro wanted Scarlett in MASS. Range Viper wants Grid-Iron. Sigh.
Cobra Commander wants them brought back to Cobra HQ, but Range Viper wants to gloat to the regular DIC people who are hanging out at the Statue of Liberty, giving Grid-Iron a chance to do a loop around.
This all ends with Grid-Iron getting the perfect throw to take down Range-Viper. Thank the Lord. I don't know how much more I can take.
There's this Range-Viper is a geek hanging and begs Cobra Commander to save him. Cobra Commander leaves, "... that's what hired help is for." Both looks so pathetic at this point.
Lady Jaye has a big laugh, because you see, Cobra is laughable and the Joes take out the remaining geeks and it results in a big fire work show. This is not exactly on the level of GIJoe the Movie intro. This feels like off brand GIJoe.
So, Sarge is finally freed and stops Range-Viper from escaping with the help of an "Eel." These guys are so so sad. These guys are Proctor level Police Academy goofs. The odd colored troops are seen here. Sarge is only sad they didn't catch Cobra Commander and LAdy Jaye wonders if he had a hot date to get to, which segways to our epilogue of the episode.
We can't let Cobra Commander even maintain a bit of dignity. He's trying to get into a big time night club. The bouncer isn't letting a wierdo like him in. Lady Jaye, meanwhile, is on a date with Grid-Iron, and also bringing Sarge and his sis along. "You guys had a rough day I thought you deserved a night out (and I wanna get laid afterwards, Grid-Iron!)" Firmly placing Cobra Commander in the geek/loser catogry along with his troops. Just in case someone thought he was higher up for escaping. Nope, kids watching this, the main villain is a loser, his troops are losers, his weapons and vehicles are losers, he is a loser.
Grid-Iron is okish as sort of a Ken like boy toy for Lady Jaye. But not a real character as Flint is in Sunbow, but his relationship in DIC does make him easier to take than generic Joe 1, 2, 3, etc.
But this is objectively the single worst episode so far. This is the kind of stuff that damages brands. 1 star out of 4. Lady Jaye is the closest thing to a real character in this episode and I'd say she's the only reason I can give this even 1 star.
This is more in keeping with what I had in mind with GIJoe DIC, very childish and dumb. United We Stand, behavior modification gas, Victory at Volcania with the space laser, those at least vaguely fit the old format of Sunbow GIJoe. This is like no episode of GIJoe I've seen.
So, Sarge is in New York hanging out with his sister. Ok, why? Two, why does she look like something from a 16 bit beat em up video game? Why does Sarge have a sister, why does she not speak? Well, its all an excuse for him to be on hand to hear Cobra sitting up an underground base in subway tunnels.
The base fixing up is embarrassing. In The Viper is Coming, the Twins lament the amount of money and man power it takes to construct a Cobra R&R base when accused of being the Viper. Here three goof balls look like they are making a underground club house. Of course, this is all about them talking about whom they were before being in Cobra. SAW Viper was in construction, but rather destroy stuff. Metal Head worked at a zoo. Range Viper was Captain Grid-Iron opposing college rivel, playing for Piranha State Football team. So, Sarge being a football fan knows Westpoint beat the heck out of Range Viper's team. Range Viper uses the snake decorator to capture Slaughter.
Ok, this is where things take a turn for the preposterous. Range Viper insulted by Sgt. Slaughter's trash talk, Cobra Commander decides to challenge GIjoe to a football game. So, if Cobra wins, they get GridIron who will have to be Range Viper's slave forever. Ok, why not arrest Cobra Commander when he shows up, in every show down we have seen, US Joe forces are overwhelmingly superior to Cobra? Maybe Cobra Commander has some kind of diplomatic immunity? Hmmm, or maybe this is an episode meant for a very young child. Cobra Commander could do comedy and be a coward in Sunbow, but he was also shown to be very dangerous and his schemes could cause real damage to society. This has major Police Academy vibes.
So, Joes are naturally winning because they are good and talented and Cobra is sad and untalented, so Cobra starts using vehicles to get ahead, Joes call in their vehicles and we are back to Joes being better because their vehicles rock and Cobra's vehicles are sad and poorly made. In Sunbow, they at least showed how different vehicles could cause real damage in battle situations. This is just a phrase.
Also mention the generic return screen is just sad, sing along "A real American hero..." that sounds so cringe.
Range Viper splits with Sarge and the chase is on. We see the mini-vehicles in action such as it is. Not the same kind of dread the pod of the Night Raven could be used for in Sunbow. They end up on foot and steal a taxi. I feel like we're in some kind of generic "lego world" city where things look so stock.
Lady Jaye was out and about was gonna get her hair done, "Need a lift, hot shot." She's a breath of fresh air showing up on the back end of the episode, ever her flirtatious self. Closest thing to an actual character from GIJoe. At least that's a character trait. I still couldn't tell you a damn thing about, say, Pathfinder or Bullhorn. Grid-Iron is just football puns.
Lady Jaye destroys a Dominator with her javelin. You can buy her taking down gliders or CLAWs, but a Dominator, embarrassing. Cobra Vehicles in DIC are not to be feared or valued.
So, GridIron gets ahold of Sarge, swaps over horse and buggy, and is about to get Sarge out of the binding, Range Viper ain't giving up that easily. Swoops in and has Sarge with Grid-Iron hanging on. "And now finally, both of you are going to be Cobra's prisoners for.the.rest.of.your.miserable.lives.!!!!!" Uh oh, this is the final commercial, I'm telling you, I am shaking for the well being of Grid-Iron and Sarge. Man. I don't know if they are going to make it.
"Victory is mine. Grid-Iron will be my slave for the rest of his life." There's some homoerotic subtext to wanting Grid-Iron to be his slave. Destro wanted Scarlett in MASS. Range Viper wants Grid-Iron. Sigh.
Cobra Commander wants them brought back to Cobra HQ, but Range Viper wants to gloat to the regular DIC people who are hanging out at the Statue of Liberty, giving Grid-Iron a chance to do a loop around.
This all ends with Grid-Iron getting the perfect throw to take down Range-Viper. Thank the Lord. I don't know how much more I can take.
There's this Range-Viper is a geek hanging and begs Cobra Commander to save him. Cobra Commander leaves, "... that's what hired help is for." Both looks so pathetic at this point.
Lady Jaye has a big laugh, because you see, Cobra is laughable and the Joes take out the remaining geeks and it results in a big fire work show. This is not exactly on the level of GIJoe the Movie intro. This feels like off brand GIJoe.
So, Sarge is finally freed and stops Range-Viper from escaping with the help of an "Eel." These guys are so so sad. These guys are Proctor level Police Academy goofs. The odd colored troops are seen here. Sarge is only sad they didn't catch Cobra Commander and LAdy Jaye wonders if he had a hot date to get to, which segways to our epilogue of the episode.
We can't let Cobra Commander even maintain a bit of dignity. He's trying to get into a big time night club. The bouncer isn't letting a wierdo like him in. Lady Jaye, meanwhile, is on a date with Grid-Iron, and also bringing Sarge and his sis along. "You guys had a rough day I thought you deserved a night out (and I wanna get laid afterwards, Grid-Iron!)" Firmly placing Cobra Commander in the geek/loser catogry along with his troops. Just in case someone thought he was higher up for escaping. Nope, kids watching this, the main villain is a loser, his troops are losers, his weapons and vehicles are losers, he is a loser.
Grid-Iron is okish as sort of a Ken like boy toy for Lady Jaye. But not a real character as Flint is in Sunbow, but his relationship in DIC does make him easier to take than generic Joe 1, 2, 3, etc.
But this is objectively the single worst episode so far. This is the kind of stuff that damages brands. 1 star out of 4. Lady Jaye is the closest thing to a real character in this episode and I'd say she's the only reason I can give this even 1 star.
